YOU SHOULD PROBABLY READ THIS!
I probably shouldn’t be writing this right now, at 10 o’clock at night but I need to get this out there. I’ll probably accidentally leave something out.
Not that I expect anyone to really care, but if you were paying attention on Friday I had a mental breakdown. Breakdowns for me usually include lots of heavy breathing and about 20 minutes of nonstop crying. This one had the breathing and the crying, but it also sent me on a walk just as it was getting dark.
I tried to talk to someone that night, but that didn’t happen, so I immediately went into Do Not Disturb Mode and haven’t been on Tumblr or any of my social media since early Saturday morning. I’ve also ignored all my incoming text messages. I’ve quite enjoyed the silence, but it obviously can’t last forever.
The last actual breakdown I had doesn’t feel like it happened that song ago, which means they’re accruing more frequently than I’d like and that scares me. Sometimes I’m “happy” and other times I’m not, but I’m not happy far more often than I am happy these days.
I feel like I’m questioning everything in my life and again I’m scared. I’m not okay people. I have to go out into the world or my head and face my demons or I am going to be stuck in this halfway house for the rest of my life.
What does all this really mean? Well, Jailyn is standing up. There is no more hiding from myself, even in thought or pretending that the people in my life can do no wrong. I’m not going silently anymore. There will be lots of tears and mentally slammed doors, but I’m okay with that.
Three or roughly four years is a long time to dedicate to something, but I did it. I’ve spent a lot of time on this couch, but I feel it’s time to get up. I saw my world and I wrote down almost everything. No, I’m not quitting the blogging business or the journaling business for that matter, I’m just getting off this couch and starting over.
I’ll be making a new blog in the future, but I’ll be deleting this one soon. There’s a very small group of people that I’ll want to keep in touch with, but you can like this post or message me if you want the new home of Jai or just to keep in contact.
The next moments in my life are going to be the hardest I think I’ve ever had to experience. That being said I only want full time people in my life from now on. I am going to fix me, but I’ll need people around to sit on ground with me when I fall and I will fall. So friends if you’re okay with that then great, but if not goodbye.
And to the rest of you it’s been intense and fun and scary and oh so very swoon worthy and maybe you’ll stumble upon my new address one day.