Getting Off The Couch…

YOU SHOULD PROBABLY READ THIS!

I probably shouldn’t be writing this right now, at 10 o’clock at night but I need to get this out there. I’ll probably accidentally leave something out.

Not that I expect anyone to really care, but if you were paying attention on Friday I had a mental breakdown. Breakdowns for me usually include lots of heavy breathing and about 20 minutes of nonstop crying. This one had the breathing and the crying, but it also sent me on a walk just as it was getting dark.

I tried to talk to someone that night, but that didn’t happen, so I immediately went into Do Not Disturb Mode and haven’t been on Tumblr or any of my social media since early Saturday morning. I’ve also ignored all my incoming text messages. I’ve quite enjoyed the silence, but it obviously can’t last forever.

The last actual breakdown I had doesn’t feel like it happened that song ago, which means they’re accruing more frequently than I’d like and that scares me. Sometimes I’m “happy” and other times I’m not, but I’m not happy far more often than I am happy these days.

I feel like I’m questioning everything in my life and again I’m scared. I’m not okay people. I have to go out into the world or my head and face my demons or I am going to be stuck in this halfway house for the rest of my life.

What does all this really mean? Well, Jailyn is standing up. There is no more hiding from myself, even in thought or pretending that the people in my life can do no wrong. I’m not going silently anymore. There will be lots of tears and mentally slammed doors, but I’m okay with that.

Three or roughly four years is a long time to dedicate to something, but I did it. I’ve spent a lot of time on this couch, but I feel it’s time to get up. I saw my world and I wrote down almost everything. No, I’m not quitting the blogging business or the journaling business for that matter, I’m just getting off this couch and starting over.

I’ll be making a new blog in the future, but I’ll be deleting this one soon. There’s a very small group of people that I’ll want to keep in touch with, but you can like this post or message me if you want the new home of Jai or just to keep in contact.

The next moments in my life are going to be the hardest I think I’ve ever had to experience. That being said I only want full time people in my life from now on. I am going to fix me, but I’ll need people around to sit on ground with me when I fall and I will fall. So friends if you’re okay with that then great, but if not goodbye.

And to the rest of you it’s been intense and fun and scary and oh so very swoon worthy and maybe you’ll stumble upon my new address one day.

Married With Two Kids.

Story #263

Saw a girl I went to high school with today. Apparently she comes up to my job all the time with her kids and joins in on our story time. It’s funny how you remember a person one way and often expect them to be the same, but I feel like she has to have changed and that maybe I shouldn’t think of her so negatively anymore.

I just didn’t like how I’ve held on to who we all thought she was and have continued to describe her that way. I guess I’m growing up and attempting not to be so internally mean.

3,300th Post!!!

Blueberry Waffles:

How are you guys today? Well I’m doing fine. Eating my breakfast and contemplating life going ons. This should be interesting.

Let’s Start Heavy:

A guy I follow was recently asked to make a will. He is rather young to be doing such things and it saddened me to think that he has to almost prepare for a possible end when to me his life has just begun.

The night when I first read his post about it, I couldn’t seem to find easy sleep. I realized it was because for the last several years I, at my young age, have already thought quite hard about that very thing. I know who gets my journals, my cd’s, who gets the fortunate pleasure of remembering me in the form of my VHS tapes, my little bit of money and even what song to play and the funeral. This is all based off if I were to die young, because the list would be very different if I were married with kids.

I’m still very sad about it, but more so about the fact that I’ve almost planned for part of a possible end and that’s not cool. It’s actually uncomfortable to think about.

Missing People Is What I Do Best:

It’s all I ever seem to do these days. I’m waiting around for texts and Tumblr messages that never seem to make their way to me and if they do it’s usually light and fluffy or rightfully intense for a fleeting minute. I’m just tired of missing people.

Moments, Memories and Madness:

I was talking to a friend yesterday and he was telling about something he went and did, but he didn’t really remember all or most of it. I just kept thinking “How dumb.” In my life I want a bucket load of experiences and memories, but I want to be able to remember them. I want to have stories to tell and intense feelings that can’t be replaced by I don’t know if I actually felt. I’m down with having so much fun you don’t remember everything that happened, but I am not down with the concept of altering my mind and then wondering what happened the next day. That’s just not how I roll.

Dreaming:

You don’t exist, but I like to dream about you anyway.

I haven’t given up I’m just choosing to keep you as fantasy and instead of a possible reality.

Why Not Go There:

Trying not to have too many thoughts on the subject based on the fact that I have too many incomplete opinions, but I will say this.

Basically even in a naive state of mind, even if they should have know better, a person is never to blame for being sexually harassed. Like my mother said you only have control over yourself.

The End:

This was a lot of heavy stuff posted in one update and I didn’t really want it to be like that, but that’s just how it flowed.

I figured I’d better end it by actually updating you on how I’m doing.

I’m fine for the most part. The day to day is still shifty, but at the moment I’m okay. I’ve been trying to keep the prayer going for myself and not just for other people. So this was just in case after all that, you were wondering.

Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.

Alice Walker (via feellng)